Reactions to the break up

Conflicting Emotions
After a relationship ends people typically experience a range of reactions. These can include conflicting emotions.

Denying that the relationship is over, thinking "it cannot be over", that it feels unreal, often occurs just after the break up. As does feeling angry over the hurt involved. Fear at how strong your reaction is, and whether you can cope with this is common. This often lessens as each day goes by and you manage a little better each time.


Guilt
Feeling guilty at hurting our partner, whether you ended the relationship or maybe have said things you regret can be painful. Think about all the reasons that you acted the way you did. Try not to ignore the big picture and consider whether you could in reality have acted differently. In other words test your recalled version of events out against the realities of the situation. Talk to others about how you feel, they can often remind you of the complexities of the situation if you're finding it hard to do this for yourself.

Feeling distressed, down and sad can be overwhelming at times. Being with friends or people who care about you can help to soothe these feelings. Often there is a time of reflection, where people "replay" the significant events within the relationship, especially around the break up to try and understand what has occurred. Sometimes this can be accompanied by a re-evaluation of the relationship itself.


Physical reactions
Typically include nausea and weight loss, problems with sleep patterns and the fatigue that can result from this. Problems concentrating on academic work especially work that requires sustained periods of concentration are common.

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Dealing with your reactions

Try to adjust your expectations of yourself for a period of time. Rather than expect yourself to be sleeping, eating and studying as you normally would. You should start to feel like your old self again as time passes, often the first month can be the hardest.

Get Support
Talk to your friends and loved ones, they are often a good source of love and support.

Keep Eating
As much as possible try to follow your regular eating patterns, eating even if you don't feel hungry. If you are experiencing strong nausea sometimes it helps for a while to eat "bland" tasting foods.

Dealing With Sleep Problems
If you are experiencing problems with falling asleep or waking in the night and being unable to fall asleep. Consider the following: Have you changed your normal routine associated with going to bed? This routine provides us with cues associated with falling asleep and can help to reduce our level of arousal prior to getting into bed. Try to re-establish a regular routine again, including having a regular time to go to bed. Reduce your caffeine and alcohol intake as this can disrupt sleep.

Accept that some sleep disruption is normal and usually temporary. Try not to be concerned with the actual hours of sleep you are getting, it is possible to function on relatively short periods of sleep. Avoid having your clock facing you when you sleep if you are tempted to "clock watch" and worry about how much sleep time you are losing.


If you are wide awake and unlikely to fall asleep having woken in the night, get up and do something that is relaxing, such as reading (i.e. not study material), or watch some late night TV. Once you feel yourself feeling sleepy again return to bed again. Repeat this as often as you need in preference to laying in bed and worrying about how much sleep you are not getting or feeling annoyed with yourself for not being asleep.


Studying
You may need to adapt your study routine temporarily. To allow for a reduced capacity to concentrate, break you study into smaller blocks of time and take regular breaks. Reward yourself for study that has been done under difficult circumstances.

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Resources

Counsellors can assist you in dealing with the loss and your reactions. Phone UNSW Counselling Service 9385-5418. A number of resources are also availabe in our student library. We recommend the following book:

How to keep people from pushing your buttons by Albert Ellis & Arthur Lange

This book outlines how the way we look at a situation contributes to people ‘pushing our buttons’ and to us responding with anxiety, guilt, anger, disappointment, and frustration.  It covers irrational beliefs that contribute to our negative feelings, for example worrying excessively about what other people think of you, that failure is unacceptable and intolerable, that people should do things the way that you want them to, and that the world isn’t fair.  Ellis and Lange outline ways to change these irrational beliefs, and also examine how these beliefs come into play in a variety of situations such as at work, in relationships, in parenting, and other everyday situations.

Handouts

Managing Criticism or Negative Feedback and Giving Constructive Feedback

Websites

Relationships Australia provides specialist Counselling in couple and family issues - contact their offices:
North-East Region (includes Edgecliff) 9418-8800
South-West Region 9635-9311 or their website

Your local doctor or GP may also be of assistance, especially if your sleep or eating is disrupted for too long.

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