UNSW COUNSELLING SERVICE

on personal relationships
on relationships at work and study
Mind Tools

on personal relationships
on relationships at work and study

Communication

Communication is such a large part of our daily lives that even when we are not speaking we are still communicating. One common myth is that good communication will naturally come to all of us because we are human beings and have the capacity for language.

The reality is that there is much scope for communication to go wrong in the following ways:

Communicating incompletely so that all of your intentions aren’t conveyed. For example, you may say “You’re being stupid” in place of asking someone to stop a specific behaviour.
Misinterpreting what someone says. For example, when someone says to you “It was nice of your brother to give me a call” you could misinterpret it as implying that you’re a selfish and thoughtless person.
Assuming that the other person understands what you are saying without checking. In light of the multicultural population at university, it is possible that cultural misunderstandings may arise.
Not listening. Examples of this include focusing more on what you want to say, judging whether what someone says is right or wrong, cutting someone off so that you can put your opinion across.
When there is a mismatch between verbal and non-verbal communication, the overall message that you give can be quite confusing. For example, while you may say to someone “Tell me more about that, it sounds really interesting” but you are reading a magazine at the same time instead of making eye contact with the person who is speaking.
Some forms of communication are devoid of non-verbal communication (e.g. text messaging, emails) and therefore can be misinterpreted by the receiver.

There are also some different communication styles, including:

Assertive – where you convey your needs while being mindful of the other person’s needs
Aggressive – where you convey your needs at the expense of others’ needs
Passive – where you suppress your needs at the expense of allowing others to have their needs met
Passive-aggressive – where you suppress your needs so that others can have their needs met, but then behave in a way so that the other person’s needs cannot be met. For example, agreeing to go to a soccer match with your friend when you do not want to, then purposely delaying getting ready on time so that you miss the first half of the match.

Communication is also an essential part of your time here at university – you will need to communicate with other students, your tutor, your lecturer, and other staff members at the university.

Relationships

When it comes to relationships with friends and families and, in particular, romantic partners, we can often fall into the trap of thinking that because those relationships already exist that they will be maintained without much effort. The reality is that relationships take a lot of work to be successful. Communication is only one part of the equation but it is an important part – we cannot read minds, therefore we need to check and clarify what the other person is saying. Effective communication really is essential in order to have a healthy relationship.

In addition to effective communication, healthy relationships are also based on mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, fairness, and safety. Another critical component of healthy relationships is for each member of a couple to maintain a separate identity – it is unlikely that you and your partner have exactly the same interests and hobbies, and maintaining some of your own interests can keep the relationship interesting.

Relationships can sometimes become unhealthy. Some signs of unhealthy relationships include feeling scared or frightened when your partner is around, a lack of trust or honesty, your partner stops you from seeing your friends and family, or your partner abuses you physically or emotionally.

Information

Information on personal relationships

Healthy and unhealthy romantic relationships
Information on what makes a healthy relationship, tips on how to make and maintain a healthy relationship, recognising when a relationship is unhealthy, and what to do if you are in an unhealthy relationship. It also has a section on myths about dating and relationships.

Reach Out!
Under the section “The Issues” you can find information to help you manage your relationships:

Family (e.g. managing a family break-up, conflict with your parents)
Friends and romantic partners (meeting new people, managing relationships, safe body language, what is a good friend)
Positive stuff and communication skills (effective communication, getting the message across)

Relationships Australia
Relationships Australia is a community based organisation that provides relationship and family support. They run relationship education programs and provide relationship counselling. They also have programs for parenting skills, preventing domestic violence/sexual abuse prevention, and pregnancy support. They also have an online counselling service which can be found here.

Australian Psychological Society
Information on relationship problems and solutions

Domestic Violence and Incest Resource Centre
Information on abuse or domestic violence in relationships.

Centre for Clinical Intervention
Outlines assertive, aggressive, and passive communication styles. It also has useful tips on how to communicate assertively. The tips will also be useful for relationships at work.

Information on relationships at work and study

Getting the message across clearly: Improve your communication
This handout looks at ways of killing a conversation, how wires can get crossed between speaker and listener, and how body language impacts on your communication.

Tips for communicating when working in groups

Guideline for working in groups
These two handouts provide useful tips on working in groups.

Managing Criticism or Negative Feedback and Giving Constructive Feedback

Netiquette
Netiquette, or the art of behaving ‘properly’ online, is becoming increasingly important in today’s society where we communicate via email and online messaging.

Mind Tools
Here you will find tips on communicating when working with others and in groups. Topics include making a good impression with people you meet, effective email skills, ice breakers, active listening, empathic listening, and questioning techniques.

Self-help Resources

Books on personal relationships

Couple skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, & Kim Paleg (2006).
This is an excellent resource which provides practical skills that you can use to enhance your relationship. Topics include learning to communicate effectively, dealing with anger and conflict in a relationship, learning to communicate your wants and needs within a relationship, and understanding and changing your relationship pattern.

How to keep people from pushing your buttons by Albert Ellis & Arthur Lange
This book outlines how the way we look at a situation contributes to people ‘pushing our buttons’ and to us responding with anxiety, guilt, anger, disappointment, and frustration. It covers irrational beliefs that contribute to our negative feelings, for example worrying excessively about what other people think of you, that failure is unacceptable and intolerable, that people should do things the way that you want them to, and that the world isn’t fair. Ellis and Lange outline ways to change these irrational beliefs, and also examine how these beliefs come into play in a variety of situations such as at work, in relationships, in parenting, and other everyday situations.

An Intelligent Life: A practical guide to relationships, intimacy and self-esteem by Julian Short.

Do I have to give up me to be loved by you: How to stay in love and keep your freedom by Jordan Paul and Margaret Paul.

Families and how to survive them by Robin Skynner & John Cleese.

First things first: To live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy.

How to stop domestic violence by R & B Wileman (1997).
A guide for female victims of domestic violence. Topics include recognising and understanding perpetrators of domestic violence, and how to stop being a victim of domestic violence.

Manhood by Steve Biddulph.

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus by John Gray.

Really relating by Margaret Newman & David Jansen.

Stepfamily realities: How to overcome difficulties and have a happy family by Margaret Newman.

The Dance of Anger: A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships by Harriet Lerner.

The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner.

Books on relationships at work and study
Dealing with people you cannot stand by Rick Brinkman & Rick Kirschner (2002).
Contains useful information regarding developing communication skills with difficult people including listening skills, conflict resolution, dealing with criticism, communication and technology and ways to be assertive when communicating

Working together: A practical guide to collaborative decision-making by Bob Montgomery.

How to succeed at work by Fred Orr.

Dealing with difficult people by Roy Lilley.
Learn to identify and deal with difficult bosses, colleagues, and customers.

The conflict survival kit: Tools for resolving conflict at work by Cliff Goodwin & Daniel B. Griffith.
Outlines interpersonal communication skills for resolving conflict.